Trigger warning: this post mentions sexual assault, sexual harrassment and stalking. 

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This past week I’ve been quite shaken by something that happened in my local area. There’s a lot of noise in my head right now, and I’m finding the news and social media to be very overwhelming. Maybe I’m just contributing towards all that noise. But after visiting the makeshift memorial in Clapham Common today, I felt the need to get some words down about it.

On the 3rd March Sarah Everard disappeared, seemingly without a trace, from the streets of South London. It was difficult to ignore all the ‘missing person’ posters whilst out and about. They were on every tree and every lamp post I walked past. For a few days there was no word of her whereabouts. Then the news rolled in that a Metropolitan Police officer had been arrested on charges of kidnap (and later, murder).

To my horror, I was seeing people on social media victim blaming: Why was she walking home alone at night? What was she wearing? Was she aware of her surroundings or listening to music? I have even seen some people questioning why she was visiting a friend during a national lockdown. Obviously this is a dire misplacement of morality as pandemic-related social restrictions aren’t important considering the woman in question was kidnapped and murdered. The real question we should be asking is why are people trying to blame a woman for her own murder?

It’s difficult to process that Sarah was doing everything we are told as women will keep us safe. She was walking home down a well-lit main road, wearing bright clothing, and called her boyfriend along the way. I have often found myself coming home as late as midnight after a theatre trip or a work event since moving to London. My route is carefully planned, sometimes I call a friend, and I always hold keys held between my fingers just in case a situation arises and I need to defend myself. It’s crazy because I don’t ever remember someone telling me this is something I should do, nor have I ever thought of it as anything other than normal. But the reality is, this isn’t normal. Feeling like I have something to be afraid of when walking home in the dark isn’t normal.

After seeing the outpour of women discussing this online, and female friends in my own group chats, I know this isn’t an isolated feeling. I honestly don’t think I know a single woman who hasn’t experienced some sort of unwarranted and uncomfortable attention from a man. Why are we still asking what a woman has done wrong in these situations instead of questioning why a man thinks he has the right to act violently towards a woman who was just walking home?

Before anyone shouts ‘but it’s not all men’… of course we know this. We are not naÏve enough to believe that it is all men. But the reality is men are more likely to be the perpetrator of a violent crime. How do we know which men have malicious intentions and which men don’t? It’s like the ‘All Lives Matter’ people. Of course all lives matter, that is the whole point of Black Lives Matter. The movement is saying that their lives matter too. When people say things like this they are invalidating traumatic experiences that others have lived through. It’s damaging to the movement and takes the focus away from the issue at hand.

On the upside, I have seen a lot of men on Twitter asking sensible questions and for genuine advice on ways they can help women feel safe. Conversations like this is how actual change can happen. It’s easy to say ‘I’m one of the good guys’, but if you’re not actively calling out inappropriate behaviour, and making changes to your own, then it doesn’t make a difference. Misogynistic culture needs to be tackled from the inside. A good starting point is listening to women’s experiences with empathy and without judgement. Then to start thinking about your own actions when you’re out and about as well. 

Turning a blind eye to harassment allows it to be normalised. So if you see it happening then speak up and call it out. Also, don’t suggest in any way that a victim is at fault or invalidate what they have experienced. Keeping your distance from a woman who is walking alone can also ease a lot of stress. Maybe you’re completely harmless and your journey is just taking you down the same path, but that doesn’t stop terrifying scenarios playing out in someone’s head. Actively choosing to cross the road creates distance. It may seem like a trivial thing to a man, but that says to women that they’re not actually being followed in the dead of night.

This tragedy has made me feel uneasy and on edge. Partly because of the nature of it, but also because it happened so close to where I live. I feel completely overwhelmed with both fear, anger and sadness that a woman can’t even walk home from a friend’s house at 9pm without being the victim of a terrible crime. It reminded me of how many subconscious actions I take when out and about, especially during the evening. This shouldn’t have happened to Sarah, or any woman.

The first ‘Reclaim The Night’ march happened in 1977. Forty-four years later and we’re still having to bring attention to the same issue. Men need to drive the change otherwise we’re always going to be stuck in the same place. Women are already taking the measures that we are told will keep us safe and it’s not enough. Part of the problem is also that the system doesn’t believe women when they do come forward. A lack of faith in the system means less people will then report.  The excuses of ‘not all men’ and ‘there’s always gonna be evil people’ are becoming increasingly tiring. Instead of saying these unhelpful phrases you should be trying to make yourself a part of change.

Violence against women doesn’t come out of thin air. It’s bred in a society, culture and belief system that allows misogyny to thrive. Men need to start consciously thinking about their actions and actively calling out toxic behaviour and comments amongst their peers instead of turning a blind-eye to it. It’s not enough just to say ‘I would never sexually harass a woman’ and then ignoring your friends, or even strangers, when they do exactly that. Hopefully in another forty-four years we won’t be having this same conversation.

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