This is just some late night ramblings, but I feel like I need to get some words down about this sense of hopelessness I’m feeling right now. I always try to make a positive spin on things that I write on my blog, but I struggled to do so with this one.

---

Losing your job is hard. Of course, the financial implications are the obvious issue. But it’s also the loss of something stable and constant in your life. As stressful as job hunting is in general, doing it after you’ve lost your job is ten times harder than if you are still in work. I don’t have the luxury of a back-up to go back to when I don’t get a role I’m applying for.

After going through a job hunting process as long as mine, it also takes a toll on how you view your self worth. They always say the more interviews you do, the easier it will get. It’s actually the opposite. Yeah, it’s nice to do a couple to get a feel of it. But the more rejections you get, the more your confidence drops. I’m very aware that I’m not always performing my best at interviews for jobs I know I can do. I feel like they’ve already decided I’m useless because all I can think about is the rejection I’ve faced. I’ve recently been in a few situations where it’s been between me and someone else. It’s difficult knowing you’re never anyone’s first choice.

You also lose your sense of purpose. Before all this, I had a job where I was gaining skills and experience to help build a long career. Now I’m working a part-time job in front-facing customer service desperately trying to get back onto the career path. It goes without saying that I am beyond grateful for my current job. Whilst it’s not full-time, I’m working alongside a bunch of lovely people and it’s inside a theatre (my happy place). It has also given me something active to put on my CV. There is such a horrible stigma around people who have been out of work for as long as I had. That we’re lazy or inept, which obviously isn’t true. Most of us are proactively trying to get back into work we’re very capable of doing.

But I cry a lot at work. It’s definitely not because I hate the job. I love it there and my colleagues genuinely brighten my day. It’s nice to be able to get out of the house instead of staring at the same four walls, as well as having a bit more money coming in. But I often have days where my mood just drops and I spend most of the shift trying not to let anyone see I’m crying. Today was one of those days.

I used to joke with friends about how these days I just cry at everything. Sometimes it can be the most ridiculous little thing like a broken water bottle. But slowly I have started to realise that I’m not crying at ‘nothing’ as I tend to tell everyone. It’s a combination of constant negative thoughts and overwhelming stress that sometimes I don’t even know I’m feeling. I struggle to focus on anything these days and have long grown tired of people telling me things will start looking up.

I’ve become a very irritable and unhappy version of myself. I’m constantly scared that I keep pushing people away who I love because I don’t alway reply to messages or check in with them. The past 15 months have been so exhausting and emotionally draining. I doubt pre-pandemic me would recognise present me. But I know future me will look back at this time and say that I was so resilient to keep pushing through. I just wish that future would come sooner.

I guess I just wanted to write this post to vent my own feelings, but also I wanted anyone else out there going through the same thing to know that their feelings are valid. Reading back on my first ever blog post about my job loss feels like a totally different person wrote it. I was so optimistic about the future but now I feel so beaten down and deflated. I truly hope there are better things around the corner, but I now don’t tell myself it will get better because it’ll hurt less if it doesn’t.

---

Read More ‘A Simple Slice of…’

One Year
Rejection
Sunday Thoughts
Gratitude